Bullying

Bullying…. I can write about this topic easier now when I am 31 then when it was happening to me.  Bullying now though seems to be different bullying then when it was happening to me.  Of course times are different. Lifestyles are different.  Parents are different.  Cyber bullying.  We never had it because the internet was a baby still.  It sometimes seems like some parents are too soft on thier kids, some just don’t care, and some I wonder why are parents at all.  I don’t understand really. Kids were bullied and I was bullied when I was a teenager, but how many stories would have made the news then like they do now?

Let me put my bullying story out there hoping that someone will read it and be inspired that there is more to life than that trivial moment in time know as being a teenager.  Being a teenager to me at the time sucked.  I hated it.  But let me say one thing to anyone being bullied..though that moment in your life or days, weeks, months whatever length may seem like hell…it is nothing compared to life when you become an adult and have responsibilities. Meaning you have a whole life ahead of you.  You are young.  Being a teenager is temporary.  The problems I had as a teenager seem stupid compared to the real problems, responsibilities and decisions you have as an adult.  But life is a road.  It is a experience and things WILL get better.  You will grow up.  You will see these people 20 years down the road and they will have changed, you will have changed.  With social media I have had one of my bullies ask to be my friend.. Declined them.. thought I wanted to say some colorful words.   As a teenager you are trying to find youself, trying to fit in, trying to make an impression.  When you become an adult that social status for some, maybe most disappears and success and making yourself happy overpowers trying to impress that snob that sits beside you taunting you.

I started to become overweight between 11 and 12 I believe.  My mom worked weird hours.  I would come home to my grandma’s eat, then go home to my parents and..eat.  When I was 13 my friend had a birthday party.  I remember people talking about punch being spiked, friends told me about virginity being lost, etc.  I had no interest in that yet.  I felt out of place.  At age 14 all hell broke loose to me.  Something happened to me that was not a good experience lets say.  I was used.  I was put in a situation I did not know how to deal with by schoolmates.  Lies were told.  View of me were trashed.  My self-esteem, which was never good to begin with, became worse.  My next two years of high school were pure hell to me.  I was tortured daily.  I couldn’t eat breakfast.  I cried and begged my mom not to send me to school.  Some days she didn’t and I was glad.  I gained more weight and found food as a comfort of sorts becoming an emotional eater.  I don’t remember how much I weighed.  I do know I ended up wearing a size 22/24W.  I was taunted so much about my weight and about my looks, etc that I literally started to think about killing myself.  I didn’t know what else to do, but at the time it sounded like a good answer or a solution to my problem.  I thought of ways.  Pills.  Gunshot.  Poison.  I knew my faith in God would prevent me from doing this partly because of the fear of going to hell, but also because I always thought it was a selfish way out. I still do.  I was ending my temporary pain here on Earth, but I was starting a pain for my left behind family and few friends I did have.  I didn’t want them to feel it was something they had done.  I instead eventually starting cutting myself on my thighs and arms with a razor blader knife as a release to my pain.  I did write in a diary, which I have now burned, but either release was only temporary.

I started to fail school in 10th grade.  I begged my mom to send me somewhere else because of my torture.  I wasn’t learning anyhow.  I remember classes of English and others that we did nothing.  I wasn’t learning.  I started failing gym because I was tired of being ridiculed because of my weight. I was also having physical problems and was eventually diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  I didn’t understand the pain I was feeling at a young age.  My mom eventually agreed to letting me leave my hell finding a local private Christian school of about 80 kids K-12 to send me to. I remember my gym teacher Mrs. Brooks asking me the last day of school in 10th grade “What are your plans this summer, Clarissa?” My answer’ “Getting the heck out of here.”.  I did. My bullies just glared at me.

The next school year I was excited and nervous.  I prepared for my school year by shutting myself down.  I was quiet.  I talked to no one unless spoken too.  Everyone was really nice to me and I thought they were being nice just to be horrible to me later.  This is how horrible my self-esteem had been.  I was waiting to be made fun of.  Waiting for someone to comment on how fat I was. Nothing.  People talked to me like a friend and I eventually opened up a bit.  A classmate started to come up with a nickname calling me Tiny Wee because I was so quiet.  No matter how much I liked this school I still couldn’t trust anyone.  I don’t know why, but after my experiences trust was not an option.  I eventually would open up more and more.  No one made fun of me even in gym class.   We had a “formal” dinner in the spring.  Our version of a prom.  I got a dress, a corsage and went by myself.  To my suprise everyone had voted me the prom queen.  I didn’t know how to react.  I seriously didn’t.  I wasn’t joking.  The king said I should have been flipping out, but I couldn’t.  I didn’t know how.  I didn’t know how to trust.  This did help me to get some self-confidence and I began to lose weight becoming more active.  My senior year I became Salutatorian.  i opened up and began to trust those in that school. They began to build my self confidence whether they realized it or not.  I suddenly started to get a dont care kick butt attitude and I liked it.

Unfortunately, when I graduateed high school this took me to a new level. I started speaking my mind and may have found my self confidence.  Although I still had nightmares about what happened in high school and was still cutting to release past pain, I was better. I lost weight and was down to a 18W.  One problem I still had was anxiety, social mainly and I went to get help and was put on antidepressants when I was 20.  I stopped cutting myself when I was in my early 20s.

I wanted to put this story out to let others know that situations are temporary.  They are what you make them and you can overcome them.  I did.  You may think it is the end of the world, but trust me something could be worst..  I am in my early 30s and I still have nightmares about those who taunted me, mostly dreams that  I am beating them up to get them to leave me alone.  I only wish I had my attitude that I have now back then.  Of course we all do.

Anyone who I have met has had to earn my trust.  I trust no one until I get to know them. My husband’s confidence in my I don’t know how to handle and I have told him why.  He has helped me in ways he doesn’t know how.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s